“More than all we ask, than all we seek.
All our hopes and dreams,
You are immeasurably more”.
~Rend Collective
This has been quite the theme of our 2015 year. I listened to this song above by Rend Collective over and over when we were praying and thinking about pursuing Ryan’s job opportunity going to China. Our heads were swimming with all of the possibilities of what overseas travel would bring us. Who would Ryan reach with the Gospel there? Would we move there? What grand adventures were we going to have? How would we see God working? What will he do, since we are imagining so much? Don’t lose heart. He’s up to something.
As we started the job, we found it to be very different than expected. It was exciting at first, but the glamor of it all quickly faded, as the distance apart truly sunk in, and the reality of having a traveling husband came into light. Our grand ideas of what could be weren't coming into picture. Ok, God, how is this immeasurably more than we hoped? Don’t lose heart. He’s up to something.
We planned our Alaska trip. Training, anticipating, and conquering. The splendor, vastness and simplicity of the deep wilderness astounded our hearts. We loved every minute. On the flight back, I thought, “I could do this my whole life time. But Julene, where would it end? There is always somewhere you would want to go”. It hit me how travel was a huge let down, because it would never be enough. Ok God, how is this immeasurably more than I dreamed? Don’t lose heart. He’s up to something.
We went off of birth control after we got back in June, and started trying to have a baby in July. On September 30th, we were overjoyed to find that we were expecting. A mix of fear, joy, worry, excitement, terror, and thankfulness filled my heart. Through the next few months, we eagerly anticipated the upcoming year. Slowly as we told people, the thoughts of “the baby’s ok, right?” crept in our hearts. The week of our first appointment came, and I struggled with major anxiety that week. The night before our appointment, I wrote out all of my anxieties, and wrote out scripture verses that stuck in my heart. In Mathew 28:6, I had boldly underlined, “He is not here; he has risen, just as he said.” Peace flooded my heart, and I thought that Jesus had conquered death. What more could He do for me? I went into our first appointment with peace. Don’t lose heart. He’s up to something.
That appointment did not turn out like I had wanted. Instead of hearing my baby’s heartbeat, I listened to the doctor’s silence during the ultrasound, searching for any sign of life. Instead of making an appointment for my 2nd trimester visits, I made an appointment to confirm my baby had died. Instead of immense joy and excitement, indescribable sorrow and grief unlike anything I had every experienced swept over my soul. Deep sobs rose in my heart and body that evening and didn’t go away for a few days and weeks. As I dealt with the emotional pain, the physical pain that continued on and on only reminded me what was happening. Ok God, how is this immeasurably more than we asked? Don’t lose heart. He’s up to something.
He’s up to something. More than any job experience, travel bonuses, world opportunity – He is immeasurably more. More than any wilderness adventure, culture immersion, or life freedom – He is immeasurably more. More than any pregnancy, baby or parenthood – He is immeasurably more.
I lost my son. Indescribable grief, pain, sorrow. I would never wish this upon anyone. And it was in the midst of my grief, not my joy, where He showed me what He was up to. He also lost his Son. Only his was by choice. To save ME. He knew immeasurably more pain than I would ever know. So that I never would have to know it. So that I could know He was immeasurably more. More than anything else in this world. Any gift, any pain, experience. HE was immeasurably more. I “knew” this truth before, but I’ve KNOWN it in a whole new way. And I won’t truly KNOW it fully until I meet Him someday.
Rex Anderson Walker’s life has already had an immense purpose. My heart has seen how immeasurably more He is. This is my story. This is my song. He is immeasurably more.
