But because You say so...

A few weeks after the initial grieving stage had passed and the shock of it all had worn off, there was a period of a few weeks were things in my heart and body were calm.  My spirits were high and my heart was refreshed by a sense of wanting to move forward.  We had started telling a few more people about the miscarriage, and the outpouring of words, comfort and encouragement was astounding.  I had a false sense of "being ok" because I felt like I was now using it as part of my testimony, as something that had happened in our past.  Even now, it has felt like years ago when we were in the midst of it all.

Then all the little moments came.  I imagine this is even magnified more in women who have had still births, children pass away after birth, or lost a grown child.  The first moments were the ones I realized how far along I would have been.  For some reason, the 20 week mark was very difficult for me.  Then came the questions from my students about when I was going to have a baby (I didn't tell them about the miscarriage).  Then came bills from all the doctor visits.  Then came the multitude of pregnancy announcements of many dear friends.  These were the hardest.  The inexplicable thing is that they were not due to me being jealous or unhappy for them.  In fact, it was the opposite.  I was so genuinely excited for all of them, that the joy I had was actually coming from a well of sorrow from what I had lost.  The joy for them that I had/have was just a reminder of what I had lost.  Even now, it would make it way worse if my grief took away my ability to share in others' joy.   Then came the period of waiting.  I desired to start trying again as soon as possible.  But due to the medical complications, that wasn't an option for us.  As the months flew by of having to wait, I realized that my false sense of "being strong" were actually very opposite.  I had a few weeks that were almost as hard as when it all first happened.  The constant tears and pain in my heart completely threw me off guard.

As these moments came, I wasn't prepared for them.  They would come out of nowhere, and leave me floundering for guidance.  Endless tears that I couldn't stop from coming.  Then I read Luke 5:1-16, the passage about Jesus calling his first disciples...

 Jesus has been sharing the Word of God to many people that day, and was starting to feel crowded.  After seeing Peter's boat on the shore, he asked Peter to take him out in it to avoid the crowd.  From the boat, he then teaches the crowds on the shore.  Then after he finishes, he turns to Peter and tells him what to do.  "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch" (vs. 4 NIV).  A carpenter tells a fishermen how to fish.  I'm sure Peter was looking at Jesus like he was crazy.  Peter starts by saying a rebuttal, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything" (vs. 5 NIV).

BUT then I realized that Peter had just heard Jesus share the Word of God (vs.1).

What Peter then says back to Jesus burned a mark on my heart.  "But because you say so, I will let down the nets" (vs. 5 NIV).  Because you say so, I will...  

He wasn't listening to just some random guy who had given a suggestion.  Peter was responding to a command from the Man who had just shared the Word of God.  He had seen and heard of the miracles Jesus was performing.

When Peter did do what Jesus had said, they caught so much fish, their nets began to break.  They even had to call their buddies over with their boats to load up all the fish. Then their boats began to sink from all the fish.  Cra.zy.

But WHY was Jesus so vague?  I mean, he could have said, "Hey Pete.  I know I'm just a carpenter and all, buuuttttt I'm the Son of God, and I have a mind-blowing amount of fish ready for you to catch on the side of the boat were the deep waters are.  You should put your nets on that side to catch them all".  Why didn't he let Peter know about what was on the other side?  Why did he only give him a simple command?  "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch" (vs. 4 NIV).

Jesus was calling Peter to TRUST him.  Jesus was calling Peter to take him at his word, even though his word didn't make any sense.  Jesus was calling Peter to follow him, even though it may have seemed crazy, ridiculous, and unusual.  Jesus was calling Peter to obey him, even though it may have been scary or dangerous to cast their nets into deep, unknown waters.

I know God has given me a similar command.  Jesus is calling me to take him at his word, even though it doesn't make any sense right now.  Jesus is calling me to follow him, even though it seems crazy, ridiculous and unusual during my grief.  Jesus is calling me to obey him, even though it is scary and seems dangerous to cast my nets into deep, unknown waters....

He says to me.....Hey Julene, "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight".  Proverbs 3:5.  Because you say so, I will....

When I was studying this passage, I knew I was forgetting the fact that context of this passage was that Jesus was calling his disciples to follow him and go out and spread his Gospel.  It was a call for evangelism.  Then it hit me.

Yes, Jesus was teaching Peter that he would now work for him to start reaching hearts with the Gospel. However, by showing them the huge amount of fish in their nets, Jesus was also saying that obedience by following him would result in an abundance of rewards.  But Jesus ended the passage by talking about how the reward was not actually for Peter to get what he thought he wanted, such as a successful business.  The call was for Peter and his friends to leave it all to discover something even greater.  The call was for Peter to realize that Jesus was PROMISING him something immeasurably more than what they could imagine.

Jesus called them to join in something immeasurably greater than their finite minds could comprehend.  More than a successful business of catching and selling fish.  More than motherhood, children, houses, marriage, travel, success, friends, happiness, health.  Jesus' call to follow him wasn't just about joining the call to spread the Gospel.  It is about giving up whatever we desire for something immeasurably more...Himself.

Those gifts and things we desire may still be granted, but it isn't what to live for...

"Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men".  So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him. (vs. 10-11)

Because you say so, I will....